When it comes to gathering around the Thanksgiving dinner table, most people think about seating arrangements and the turkey. But what about the conversation?
Though discussions about gratitude are often encouraged, there are certain topics that should be left off the table, according to etiquette experts.
To help keep things light and polite, we asked three etiquette coaches to weigh in on the conversations you should avoid during Thanksgiving, and what to say if those topics do come up.
As one etiquette coach, Diane Gottsman, put it: “Just like we have to balance sharing too much information on social media, the same rule applies at the Thanksgiving table where families are all together. You may not have seen them in several years and they don’t need to know every detail of your recent (nasty) divorce or how you just passed a gallstone.”
1. Politics
In addition to gallstones, another conversation topic you might want to avoid this Thanksgiving is politics — particularly since it’s mere weeks after a majorly contentious national election.
“Of course, politics is top of the list, especially since it’s a November election,” Gottsman explained. “But knowing how to gracefully listen and then change the topic if the conversation gets too heated is an art form.”
Similarly, Myka Meier, the founder of Beaumont Etiquette, said: “Many people are passionate about politics, and while it’s a hot topic, it can quickly turn the Thanksgiving table into a battlefield. Not everyone will have the same opinions, and it’s important to respect that the holiday is about togetherness.”
If the conversation veers into political territory, Meier suggested steering it toward holiday traditions, upcoming travel or funny memories from past family gatherings.
2. Weight
Another topic to leave at the door is weight and dieting. According to Meier, people don’t want to hear about the diet you’re on or how you’re losing weight.
“It’s one day where people like to indulge. And as someone is tucking into their pumpkin pie, they probably don’t want to hear that the person next to them is skipping it to avoid the calories,” she said.
Gottsman offered a similar take, saying that, in addition to not sharing your personal weight journey, it’s best not to ask others about theirs.
“Asking a friend or family member if they are taking a weight loss shot is off-limits,” she said. “The person will tell you if they want you to know.”
It’s also important to remember someone’s weight loss could be due to stress, an illness or other issues that might be uncomfortable for them to discuss.
3. Money
Milestones often come up with family members and relatives after not seeing them in a while, but conversations surrounding money shouldn’t take place at Thanksgiving.
The holiday dinner table is not a place to ask people specific questions about their finances. “Money should really only be discussed within inner family circles and at appropriate times at work,” according to etiquette coach Mariah Grumet, the founder of Old School Etiquette.
Gottsman said “How much did your new home cost?” is one such question. Others include “Have you gotten a raise?” and “How much money do you make?”
If you are hit with one of these queries, Gottsman said you can respond with something like: “That is a pretty personal question, Aunt Jane, and I’m going to have to pass on answering how much money I make. I can tell you I am comfortable and very happy with my job.”
4. Family Planning
Similarly, it’s not polite to ask “When are you having children?” or “When are you getting married?” Though these questions might seem harmless, they can touch on subjects that are sensitive for many.
“These topics can sometimes hit close to home, and guests may feel pressured or judged,” Meier said. “Let them bring up the topic and tell you if they want to share such personal details.”
For example, instead of asking someone why they are still single, “it would be better to ask the question of ‘What are you looking forward to?’ to allow the person to respond as they wish,” Grumet said.
But if you’re the one who is being asked and you’re stumped on how to respond, Gottsman suggested saying, “When I meet the right person (or decide to have children, or fill in the blank), you will be one of the first people I call.”
If a sensitive topic comes up this year, or if you’re worried about sitting beside your nosy uncle, it can be helpful to know a few polite ways to redirect the conversation. Here are some extra ways that you can do just that.
If You’re On The Receiving End
If you’re being asked an uncomfortable question, it’s important to know how you’re going to pivot to a different subject, Grumet explained.
“You may say, ‘I’d rather not discuss that right now.’ But if you leave it at that, the other person or people bringing up the sensitive topic are still in control of the conversation, and you want to be in control of the conversation,” she said.
Instead you might want to say something like “I’d rather not discuss that right now, but Aunt Mary just got back from her trip to France and I know we all really want to hear about that,” Grumet suggested.
If You’re The Host
If you’re the host, it’s up to you to change the topic, according to Meier. You can gently interject with “Let’s save that for another time — I’d love to keep things light tonight and hear more about everyone’s favorite holiday traditions!”
If You’re On The Receiving End, The Host Or Just Overhearing
No matter where you’re sitting this Thanksgiving, another line to remember might be “You know, it’s always so interesting to hear different perspectives! Speaking of which, has anyone watched any great movies or shows recently?” Meier suggested.
Or, according to Gottsman, you may want to try saying, “Let’s change the subject since we don’t get to see each other very often, and it’s obvious this is going to turn into an uncomfortable debate.”
